A MOTHER....

FINDING THE COURAGE,

TO WALK AWAY......

It's not for everyone, to start all over and begin again.

For some of us, natural disasters like the Katrina hurricane in New Orleans or the Santa Ana wildfires in California can force any person to uproot their life. Then, for others, it can be a logical decision like a job move or attending university across country. Or, for the rest of us, we move to relocate or start again because the necessity of survival; to be able to live a life worth living. I walked away from everything in my life during covid to save my life.

I was in a toxic marriage and came to the realization our marriage was not going to last. We had been married for 5 years with our last child born the October before and we barely could exist in the same room.

His essence made my skin crawl and my neediness drove him to pettiness.

We brought the worst of each other to the surface.

We were unequally yoked with three Irish triplets. Wow, I was stuck.

He cut off the bank accounts and I lost my job due to all the doctor appts, therapy sessions and sick days our autistic son needed. He insisted I quit since it was such hard time juggling all three kids, working full & part time jobs, and always venting about needing help. He said, "well quit. I'll work."

I asked, "can you quit, and I work," he told me "I couldn't earn enough to provide for the family." Ouch.

I was hurt because my intellect, my work experience and work ethic said the complete opposite. I mean, graduated with honors in high school, attended a hbcu for pre-law to my money ran funny and then worked in corporate for several years in executive management team. But I believed him. I believed I was not smart enough to be the breadwinner because of my gender and as an over-the-hill mother of three young babies.

I felt ashamed and stuck by being financially powerless.

And I was shocked, my partner in life- the one I said YES to- belittled me by his harsh perspective of sexist culture & his known reality. I learned we did not have the same heart towards another.

I believed we could have been an entrepreneur power couple, both willing to work and raise a family together. He believed that it was enough to have a family, a woman at home raising the kids, quietly and docilly, while he provides. Or rather, control.

I was overwhelmed, hurt and stuck. Then, covid hit.

We were stuck together, with limited money options and no end in sight.

Once day, we had a conversation and my then-husband - the man I made babies with- told me I brought no value to his life, and he didn't feel like WORKing on the relationship! Wow. Double ouch.

I knew I couldn't stay. I had to leave but didn't know how it was going to happen, what money was going to use or where to go, but I knew I was gone. Otherwise, I was going to deteriorate; be diminished as an abused, neglected & depressed wife and mother.

TO have the talents and blessings God gave, I couldn't understand why the state of my marriage existed. I knew it was a test but had no clue how to hold on to a man that was begrudgingly not wanting to work on our marriage.

And forgive me, I am not that old fashion woman, who stays for decades while being abused in a relationship. NO ma'am and NO shade, if you have that tenacity for loneliness but for MY mental health and trauma background- staying in a loveless, toxic and abusive relationship was not an option for me!

I left a week after that conversation- it was not planned but I was gone, nonetheless. My grandmother was sick in hospice, supposedly only a week to live as her organs were shutting down and my only chance to say goodbye. I packed up the three babies with two weeks of clothes and drove ten hours to northern states, heading to my birthplace, during first phase of covid.

My then-husband sent his meager condolences and did not wave or watch as we drove away since the CNN stock news was on.

We made it to my paternal mother's home in a day and the weeks grew into two months and then inevitably, we stayed. As my grandmother's transition become extended over the months, and family drama escalated, I realized it was time to leave my homeplace. Yet, as my little bundles and I were loaded up and, on the highway, driving back to my then-husband- something felt incredibly wrong.

I knew I couldn't go back and survive. I knew if I went back to his home, the abuse would escalate and become extremely bad situation for myself, the kids and him. We would be living the MARRIED Life but I would only be living a zombie of myself.

Watching many women chose financial security or maintain a luxurious lifestyle is perfectly okay. It is Darwinism at its finest and completely respectful. I witnessed my foster-adopted mother make the same choice over choosing her own happiness. I believed she told herself she was making it better for all of us, but her diminished ego and confidence after 11 years of living the lie showed us different. My well intended, strong mother became a carcass of the woman she was as a result of her denial. I could not live a life with that level of denial. I knew I had to save my own life. I turned around and drove away.

My courage was to walk away while still seeing the strength of my decision and the person God made me. Not to accept living a life of denial.

Denial of happiness.

Denial of truth.

Denial of self.

Denial of comfort.

This decision did not come lightly, nor did it come easy or without sacrifice. The days of comfortable cable watching, on time water payments, superfluous spending and convenient shelter has been auctioned for my ability to look at the woman standing in the mirror- willing to define a life beyond the shadows of depression, abuse, trauma and discrimination. I found my courage within her!